I hope the actors had fun, because no one in the audience did.
Against their will, our three protagonists are tied to chairs in one scene. While the plot is held captive by Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson’s constant bickering, Salma Hayek finally cracks and starts screaming ferociously at the top of her lungs.
I think that sums up this movie right there.
The first film, about a bodyguard tasked with protecting an obnoxious hitman, while a decent summer hit back in 2017, offered little originality to the genre. When you weren’t bored by the action scenes, the lead characters constantly drained your patience through an uneven script. But, even though a sequel wasn’t necessary, the filmmakers can learn from their mistakes to raise this franchise to new heights.
This was not the case.
The words “boring” and “tedious” sum up The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard best. The film bizarrely repeats every mistake made by its predecessor, only louder and more aggressive. Once again, Ryan Reynolds returns as bodyguard Michael Bryce with Salma Hayek as con artist Sonia Kincaid and Samuel L. Jackson as her hitman husband, Darius, in a plot too confused and brainless to even remotely care about.
Simplistically, authorities forcefully recruit the trio to stop a Greek madman (Antonio Banderas) from disrupting the European power grid for political revenge. After obtaining a crucial component for his device, Banderas’s Aristotle Papadopolous pursues them while Interpol agent Bobby O’Neil (Frank Grillo) follows him.
Why can’t our heroes simply hand the package off? Well, because it’s connected to a bracelet on Sonia’s wrist that will explode if not in proximity of the device. Don’t worry though, if you think that’s too suspenseful, this is mentioned once and never comes up again.
In fact, many plot points in this movie are established but never explored. Bryce says he has nightmares about Darius at the beginning of the film but never comes up again. Agent Bobby O’Neil is desperate for a ticket back to Boston, but he’s gone for a good chunk of the movie.
However, you need not worry since the writers just shove Salma Hayek’s cleavage in your face whenever they think you’re losing interest.
No, seriously. At one point in the film, we learn of a dark event in Michael’s past, and the film takes this as an opportunity to talk about his obsession with Sonia’s breasts. We’re then stuck in this conversation for what feels like an eternity of the writers begging us for a laugh.
With the summer heat, dumb summer action flicks are about as typical as mosquitoes near a campfire. In general, they can delight with simplistic comedy and over-the-top action, but The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard falls short on both counts.
I don’t know about you, but I’m dreading the release of The Hitman’s Wife’s Father’s Brother’s Cousin’s Former Roommate’s Bodyguard.
